Where Did It All Go?

[Mark D]

Written by Mark D on February 24, 2010, 03:40:38 PM 
Spiritual rest is a gift well worth attaining and holding on to, not that I did anything special to do either.  Days come and go...  Life happens...  And I find myself asking myself -- during those not-so-perfect-moments -- "Why am I not so upset over this?"  "Where is the anger?"  "Where did it all go?"  (Why anyone would logically ponder the reason they are peaceful is still a puzzle to me, for the most part.)  But I don't question it long, for I know Who is responsible.  My Higher Power has given me rest from those quirks and cringes that use to be part of the method of my madness, again for the most part.  I'm not perfect, nor do I long to be.  I'm living soberly today, and that's enough.  And for this I am grateful.

I was expecting quite a nice tax return, in my and my spouse's opinion.  And I find out the Child Support Department is taking about an 80 quite nice percent of my return.  Again, I find myself asking, "Where did it all go?"  Because we had plans for that money.  Good plans.  Paying off bills and getting our head above water are two that rush to the forefront of my mind.  But the anxiety, miraculously, was not abundant, and it did not last that long.  (My wife's anxiety -- mainly toward the ex-spouse -- lasted much longer, I assure you.)  But I talked with my sponsor, and, to be honest, it was more in my mind for her comfort than my own.  When I finished the conversation I told him I wasn't really sure why I called because I was pretty serene over the whole thing and had been pretty serence for a little while now.  As usual, he laughed.  And for this I am grateful.

The Bible says, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22)  I don't laugh all the time, and I have days that I wake up kind of fearful not knowing why.  But it goes away, and the day is good.  I'm content -- though not perfectly -- with just the moment.  Not every moment, and not every day, but the good outweighs the bad, and I am content with that as well.  I see the progress my HP had made in my life, and for this I am grateful.  Perfection is an unachievable goal; progress can be achieved daily...  somtimes quickly, sometimes slowly, as long as there is forward movement.